And I Believed

When I reached home that evening mum told me I had a message from Lynne. I had lost touch with her after I left Potts Point. So I phoned her and arranged to catch up with her soon. She invited me to her place in Drummoyne and I went down the next week. We met up at The Hilton Hotel. It was so good to see her again. We then caught the bus back to her place and she introduced me to her housemate.

That night she was going on a date and asked if I could double date so I called the really nice taxi driver who had dropped me at the station when I left Point Piper. He had just broken up with his girlfriend and had given me his number. We arranged to meet at a pub in Drummoyne, both guys got on really well. We talked politics and books and I drank a fair bit but was aware of what I was doing when I went back to his place and fucked him all night. When I went back to Lynn’s she complained her guy had the smallest penis she had ever come across. I did not have the same issue. I felt totally satiated and felt like I had it written on my face when I returned home the next day. My dad gave me a few very direct looks, though it could have been my imagination, perhaps he thought I looked happier. He did not like to see me hurt.

I knitted my sister a wool tweed sweater in the next few weeks. Shopped with mum and visited neighbours and relatives. Finally it was time to go back down to Sydney as I was booked to have sole charge of M’s friend for the Anzac Day long weekend. This child was very rude in his interactions with his usual nanny, a young University student. I had once told him off for treating her so appallingly, at the traffic lights in Double Bay of all places. I also had a word with her about not letting him disrespect her like that. He told his grandparents who told his parents and they praised me for it. Hence the sole charge undertaking that weekend. A and I got up early on the Sunday and went to the march in the city. I had not been to one since I was a child and was very moved by the older servicemen. We then returned to Double Bay where A’s grandmother let me go early which was fine with me. I phoned Lynne and we met in the city at Centrepoint Tavern. There were a lot of very young servicemen there after the march so we chatted with them and looked at the photos of their wives and girlfriends. Once we had been there several hours Lynne asked if I would like to go to her church in Kings Cross with her. She had asked me many times when I worked with her but I was not free and also I had been an Atheist since I was fifteen.

We made our way to the Anglican Church and I found it very friendly, unusual and at one stage felt as if the Vicar was talking directly to me. I was emotional already from the March, from missing Mark and still pining for G the doctor I had a short affair with. The Vicar was talking about healing, and how God wanted us to be well, to be healed. I did not go up for Holy Communion but I observed everything that went on, it was a very tender moment, with hymns being sung during the Eucharist.

Afterwards we had a very sociable coffee in the church hall and then we went back to Lynne’s for the night. The next day I went back to the farm and prepared to start short term work again with Dial An Angel. I was offered a post with a single father with three boys who attended Cranbrook School. The agency thought it a bit odd though so suggested I take the other option, nanny to a six month old baby boy. His parents were journalists and I would have sole charge with weekends off. This was in Balmain, a totally different, much more bohemian area from where I usually worked.

I arrived and met the gorgeous little boy, and his mum and settled into the gorgeous little stone cabin nestled in a big garden. I had a kind of unofficial grannie flat at the back of the garden. The father was away in Beirut, covering the war for his current affairs programme on television. Once the mum went back to work I settled the baby very quickly into a routine. We had a great time at playgroups and going to the parks. The only real issue I had with the mum was that she was a lot like my old flatmate Judy. She expected the home to be self cleaning. She left paper clips and safety pins all over the floor. I was trying to train her In safety for when the baby started crawling.

I started attending the church Lynne took me to on Sunday evenings, I needed to understand what I had experienced there, see if it was a one off. The parishioners were very friendly and welcoming and easy going. I got to know the aged English Vicar and his lovely wife who I became firm friends with.

Each day the baby and I passed a lot of friendly neighbours who got to know us, invited us in for morning tea. It was a very friendly community. One chap always used to lean over his fence to say hi and ask how the baby was. After a few months I agreed to meet him in the local pub for a drink. No plans for anything but one drink at the pub. My memories of that night are fragmented, and what I remembered was so totally out of character for me that I never told anyone about it.

I remember him ramming his penis down my throat. And I did not do oral sex. I remember it being in his house, or I assumed it was his house. Later I remember him on top of me on the rug, in front of the open front door, fucking me senseless. He asked me if I knew the door was open and what if any of his friends saw us? I said tell them to come in, the more the merrier. He laughed and continued to pound away inside me. I had zero inhibitions, which was not me at all.

I have no idea how I got home, it was only a five minute walk but I have no memory of it. The next day I was unable to get out of bed, luckily it was a Saturday. I could not move my head. I had never ever had a headache like it, I thought I was going to die. I managed to get into the kitchen to get some milk to take some painkillers and I crawled back to bed. Later on I had a shower as I felt filthy and my private areas hurt a lot. I took more painkillers and went back to bed until the next morning. I still could not move my head but was having awful flashes of being used mercilessly. It was not what usually happened, I chose the men I wanted to sleep with, it was mutual satisfaction not degradation. I felt degraded because I would never act in a wanton way like that.

By Monday I was able to look after the baby if I kept to the house. I was very uneasy about walking up the back streets where this man lived. I went to the playgroups instead and took the baby on long walks. I felt so uncomfortable about the security of my cabin as it did not have a lock on the door that I asked if I could move in with Lynne and her housemate. The parents were not happy about it. So I contacted Dial An Angel and explained how unsafe my accomodations were and they immediately suggested I leave and take another position. The single dad in Rose Bay one was still open so I caught a taxi over there.

The job was a very easy one and very civilised. We all had breakfast together and then the dad drove them to school. I tidied up the boys rooms and sewed or read or knitted during the day. I cooked a meal each night for the boys and then the father asked me to join him for dinner later. We had a glass of sherry before dinner, talked about news of the day. I had weekends off so continued to attend the church and even babysat so the mother’s group could have a break from their toddlers.

I was unsure what I believed in. I had definitely had some kind of enlightening moment, to me it was if my unbelief in God was expunged, and I believed again. But in what form of God I truly did not know. However as time went on I became more attracted to the teachings of Jesus and eventually I started helping with Sunday School. Lynne continued to continue her wild ways and was always the rebel, especially at church whereas it was so civilised that I fit into the whole scene very easily.

The work position became complicated when neighbours etc were overheard saying that good on my boss for having his mistress look after his kids. I told him and he thought it was funny. I took the boys up to the farm several times and he was very grateful. He also went away on business a lot, he was incredibly wealthy. There was one incident that really shocked me and that was when the oldest boy mocked the Eucharist. He threw some bread down the kitchen disposal unit and said that is what he thought of the Eucharist and laughed. His father was very annoyed and made him apologise, as a Jew to a Christian.

Towards the end of the year I was offered a room in a church owned house and I decided to finish live in nannying and look for live out nannying or for carer type work. I was picked up and moved into the house by a young chap who had a big crush on me. His whole family were religious and he had done some training overseas with YWAM.

I started doing dressmaking and nannying work and then a medical specialist at church asked if I could look after her elderly dad three days a week. It was wonderful working with an Alzheimer’s patient. I knew absolutely nothing about what to do but instinctively kept him busy cooking and gardening in the morning. Watching talk shows on television and discussing the questions raised with him. After a rest in the early afternoon we would go down to Double Bay for a coffee and a walk. It was rewarding and also fun.

Christmas came and my sister who was supposed to pick me up did not turn up so I was invited to the Curate’s home for Christmas Dinner. I was already a regular there as I babysat the two gorgeous boys so their mum could get out. She was a Social Worker and also counselled parishioners and I loved and respected her so much.

Then on Boxing Day the Vicar asked me around for lunch. There were a lot of people my age including a very quiet English chap who had joined the church a month or so before. The Vicar took the men off to watch the start of the Sydney to Hobart race and us ladies stayed and chatted. I was very fond of the Vicar’s wife, we got on very well and we had some deep talks over washing up!

Over the next weeks this chap and my path crossed a lot. He was very quiet but a prolific prayer person. Very fervent in his attitude to prayer in the church whereas I was embarrassed by any displays of emotion or by any overt Bible bashing. We became friends through church and other get togethers and then one day my friend K who had started coming to stay with me at weekends rang me to tell me he had been in a bad car accident.

He had been jogging with a friend and hit by a car on a crossing and thrown across several lanes of traffic. His back was fractured as was his upper arm. I often visited aged care facilities and sick people in hospital so I popped in to see him. I would take whatever knitting project I was working on at the time and keep him company for a while. Once he was out and starting to recover I was surprised to find Black Magik Chocolates and a dozen red roses were left for me at my flat.

We started to go everywhere together though I was a bit baffled by his timidity at taking the relationship any further, especially as we spent a few hours together each day. Then he had to return to the UK as his work visa expired. We had been to The Blue Mountains for the day and then on to a meeting that night when we went for a meal and he asked me if there was any way I would consider going to the UK to work and live. And a lot of other stuff about hoping I felt the same way about him as he did me. He returned to the UK and about a month later I flew over, after a huge row with my father who insisted he migrate over here instead of me going over there.

Three Long Years

Once home again I was surprised to hear mum and dad fighting a lot. One morning she came back from the shops crying and said the bastard had frozen the accounts so she could not get at any money. She said she was so embarrassed in the bank. They had a huge row when he came home on the weekend and then things seemed okay again until the next fight when he froze the money again in case she left him. Then out of the blue they said they were going on a trip to New Zealand with D. While they were away I had young cousin R to stay as had a great relationship with him through babysitting and taking him to the beach when he was younger.

When dad got back he upset me terribly by asking his work associate, the owner of the mine to speak to the neurologist I had seen in Sydney (via the Old Boys Network of private schools) and tell dad what was wrong with me. He was not a migraine expert and I was waiting to go to POW migraine clinic. He would not let me say anything, just said he had done it and that was that. I felt so angry, I had no privacy, and no choices. He was told it was psychological and it would pass. That is not however what the specialist told me.

The other thing was that Dad wanted to give me an allowance. However at the same time he told me this illness was crazy, that if a dozer breaks down they repair it. He said it’s the same with my migraines. So against my wishes he decided to to see a local GP at his house. Dr M. I was so sure he would get everything wrong that I asked to go with him. The GP said he would talk to me, alone, in his rooms and he would fix things. He shook hands with dad and asked him to go to his rooms if he needed anything else. He was was CMO for pensions etc and signed for a pension for me when I visited him.  Dad then washed his hands of it.

With my pension money, and indeed months of back pay I made mum a lot of clothes. Gave her rent and food money so she had money of her own at last. We visited our aunts each week and took dad in some home made food to the billets where he was staying on the mine. I also saw Ann and Wayne at Noraville and also went to stay with them in Sydney.

Mid 1977 I finally got in to see Professor L in Sydney, and he was charming,  shook mum’s hand and was charmed by her too! He told us it was definitely oestrogen induced and would take some time to wear off. Dr G was put in charge of my case and my mum and sister hated him. Immediately though I felt he was attracted to me, but I was very sedate and careful with him. He put me in hospital the next week for observation for three weeks.

Each day he came and closed the curtains and sat on thenbed and chatted for two hours. Sometimes three. Went to answer his pagers etc but always came back. Other patients were a bit worried, including Dr S who saw us chatting and later told me we were really giving it to each other. We were talking and there was light flirting, I was well aware he could get into trouble. As was he. But he had a way of looking at me that left everyone in no doubt what he wanted to do. He took me off painkillers to observe the migraines as the clinic was very big on research. Said it would help my brother and surely I would do this for him. I went a bit blotchy at times so he got me to take my shawl off to closely look at my arms and face and my throat. He did touch me then.

Ann visited, she brought nightgowns and took some away. She knew G and didn’t not say a word against him. Said he was kind and a lovely doctor. I met some interesting cases on the ward, lovely women. Our weekend neighbours from Gorokan came to visit which was so lovely of them. The ward sister chatted to me a lot about Ansett and Noraville and life. G eventually let me have painkillers after about ten days, and he even popped in at the weekends and we talked in the corridors for hours.

I was put on a new preventative and went home and settled back into life. Walking along Jenny Dixon Beach, babysitting. Looking after my brother and cousins. Dressmaking. Staying with Ann and Wayne and Daphne and Des in Sydney.

Mum and I went to The Entrance a lot, there was a fabulous knitting shop and we loved having fish and chips there. We also loved to go to Gosford to have pie, chips, veggies and gravy followed by a cappachino in the cafe in the arcade near Walton’s. I also met the young mum across the road who had dyed her babies clothes by accident. Mum quickly went to Coles and got her bleach and I got a new friend. She arranged for me to take over her Avon run which was several streets either side of mum’s house. Meanwhile she had started teaching cooking at Tafe at night so I babysat as her husband was on call for electricity commission. The other times au babysat the little baby without much warning because the little girl who,was three could not evacuate herbrectum bless her.  She had to be taken to Gosford hospital where they gave her a special enema. I was invited to the baby’s baptism, it was the first time in a church in years. Lovely celebration afterwards with lots of relatives and friends.

Mum was very kind and looked out for our elderly neighbours on one side of us and also the family across the road whose mum was mentally ill. I got to know the daughter very well and encouraged her to go nursing, which she did at Ryde hospital. She often popped in to see us on her days off. Mum herself became very depressed. Anxious. Much worse than before, crying a lot.

My brother had a lot of trouble with bullying at high school. One day I heard a clatter as the school bus passed by and a thumping sound and shouting. When I went outside I saw my brother on the ground picking up his school case. He ran up the steps past me and I asked him what was wrong. He came back with dad’s rifle and was in such a rage he could barely be understood. Eventually I worked out what he was saying which was that he was going to teach that bastard what it feels like. And he then ran up the road, with the rifle. I was in my nightie as I had a migraine and I stoppered the door and ran after him shouting my head off for help.

The older boy across the road came running and said he would catch him. And then out of the blue a police car came by and stopped and the Seargent went after my brother. As he brought him back dad arrived home from work, so it must have been a Thursday. The policeman asked my brother what he thought he was doing, in front of dad and I. My brother said he was going to shoot at the ground and scare the bully so he knew what it felt like. The Seargent then asked him if in the state of rage that he was in did he really think he would have not hit him? And hurt him badly? D boasted he was a good shot. Seargent said he would leave it in dad’s hands this time, but it needed dealing with. He left and dad took the rifle and turned away. I asked him if he was going to talk to the school, talk to David. He said he had had it from the policeman, and if I did not like it I could get the hell out of the house and not come back. I stood there in my nightie and bare feet, with him glaring at me, and went to my bedroom.

Denise L and Jennifer P from school took me out some evenings and came over to visit. As did some of my sister’s friends. My sister and her friends stayed a lot on her days off from POW day surgery where she worked in early gender reassignment. One day found I her in the spare room with her friend Kerry. Kerry’s hand was buried inside my sisters crotch and I did not take in at first what was happening. My sister was moaning and grinding. Then I remembered. I had an LP in my hand and I threw it at them. It dented the wall behind the bed. My sister came running after me but I was so furious I went to Jenny Dixon and stayed out for hours. When I got back she said I could have hurt one of them throwing the LP like that.

Seriously? What about mum going in and finding Kerry with her fingers right up her vagina. That was not going to hurt mum? She had been in that bedroom with Kerry for months on days off. Mum and dad are Irish Catholic. But I did not say any of it, I was too sickened, I just said not in mum’s house.

Christmases came and went with visits to school friend’s parents and old neighbours. I was going to the migraine clinic monthly. Trying one drug after another. It took me  a long time to get over the effects of Ergotamine. made the migraines twice as bad. I felt like my head was swollen to twice its size. While on it my brother loved to pop Smiths Crisps bags directly behind my head when I had an intense migraine. Then he laughed himself silly when I grabbed my head in agony. So I mostly stayed in my room until he was in bed. He loved Get Smart, I Dream Of Jeannie and Hogan’s Heroes so I was safe in the lounge room during that time. Mum and I loved Charlie’s Angels for the clothing and Starsky and Hutch. I even knitted my brother a Starsky wrap jacket for winter. I adored Survivors on late at night and Dad and I watched Benny Hill and other British comedies together. Mum and I loved Blake’s Seven, she could not get enough of Blake.

Still no change for the better with the migraines. Prof L kept saying they had to try everything as I deserved a life. But nothing worked, indeed one drug almost gave me a stroke. I could not have chocolate or red wine with it and I did not sleep for days and days on it and eventually my sister threw the tablets in the bin.

I dated a chef from Gosford hospital I met through my selling of Avon. Several of the sons of the older ladies came up to visit me to collect their mum’s makeup etc. My friend opposite had me to dinner a lot to meet chaps. She strongly disapproved of my braless state. Suggested I wear one and said it was why the guys got so crude. Whereas I knew they just were crude. Thick ignorant and crude.

In 1978 G left POW to go to another hospital to start a headache clinic. We kept in touch and he told me he was going to London for a few weeks for a conference. He knew I had booked months before to go over to see my grandparents in Eire and UK. He asked for a contact number and I gave him my grandmothers’s Number.

Dad had told me he wanted me to get away for a few months while the builders were building my flat in the level under the house. It was coming along nicely but the noise really hurt my head. In the end he came with me and we bumped into Felicity who was crewing on the Qantas flight. I introduced dad to her and was so pleased she was looking so healthy. On another leg another Ansett friend was with Qantas as well. My dad flirted with her. I could not believe it.

We were met at the airport by two of dad’s sisters and his sister in law. Then we went on to Eire for three weeks to see Granny and Uncle John. Some cousins were  clothing factory owners and I loved seeing the whole process. Endless afternoon teas were offered in the best china and my granny had all the older ladies up to see me and they spoke incredibly fast in Gaelic. I loved it. I could have stayed there. And they quilted, together, my idea of heaven.

From there we went on to Meath to meet dad’s sister in law who had been at Heathrow. Dad then went back to Australia. I had the most amazing time in her parent’s Georgian farmhouse with her family. They were so, happy, so loving, so accepting. They told me I was welcome to live with them. My young cousin F loved me to death and slept in my bed the whole time I was there bless her. Her grandmother made the most incredible homemade bread. There were ancient ruins in a nearby field! Shopping and luncheons were undertaken in Dublin. I actually bought a Frank Usher dress and had no idea he was a top top top designer. The dress was black, silk chiffon and I looked like a Spanish Senorita, it laced up, or down, over the bodice and flared out into a full circle skirt, it was stunning. I also bought a black lace stretchy dress. The prices were incredibly inexpensive compared to home.

I went back to Luton to dad’s sister and my cousins, then onto Lincolnshire by train and coach. Spent a lot of time in Skegness with my cousin SA and my aunt D and her little girls. I also walked to Mablethorpe regularly. Grandma and Grandad were wonderful as always. I got a call from G after a few weeks there and went back to Luton. My aunt arranged a lift up to see G, first with my uncle. On the way he said look at you, you sexy thing, like the song. I introduced him to G who later said my uncle had been checking him out as being suitable. We went to dinner and went sightseeing then as we walked back to the hotel he was walking faster and faster, impatient to get me inside where we made love for hours. Afterwards he said that we had both been waiting a long long time for this.

Next time I was to see him my aunt’s best friend’s Irish husband took me up as he was going into London. When we were a few minutes into the drive he said that they had told him I was pretty but he had not expected me to be anything like this. I had no idea what he meant, I had on a virginal cream wool swing coat with my black lace dress under it. It had a pussy bow tie, right up to the neck. High heels, Christian Dior stockings and black lace panties, bra and suspender belt. But he could not see any of the underwear. I wore no jewellery and very subtle makeup. When we pulled over he suggested I take an Irish lover. Said they all had huge cocks, like his. This came out of nowhere. I felt like I had a sign on me saying I need a seriously huge Irish cock to fuck me. I told my aunt later on when he offered to drive me again, and she did not believe me. Said I was a minx and a troublemaker.

Meantime I found out G was married, and decided not to see him when I went back home. But I thought we should enjoy the moment, and we did. We explored lots of different positions and he seriously liked to go down on me. Drove me insane with his tongue. And he pounded away at me for such a long time that I had trouble with my stamina. He was insatiable. Afterwards he held me saying he wanted to lock me in a room away from other men’s eyes. That wanted me to get a flat where he could come to make love to me regularly in Sydney.

Was tempted to stay and work in London as a nanny as my head was so much better over there once off all the trial drugs etc. However I went into Charring Cross Hospital as Professor Clifford Rose actually promised he could get rid of my migraines. Turned out it was just more research. They did give me Valium 10 mgs for neck spasms, only to be used when necessary. Eventually I became very homesick as I was in over Xmas. So I arranged a flight back as soon as I could as it was very uncomfortable at my aunt’s in Luton after the take an Irish lover incident. I had had a lot of mail from my brother, my aunts. My friends. I wanted to go home.

The whole family met me at Sydney airport with my chihuahua which my mum and sister had given me as a birthday gift. My brother was very excited. When we got home there was a big welcome home sign outside. It was good to be home in Noraville.

Once home the Professor decided he could do better than his fellow neurologist in UK and booked me back into hospital. While there I had some trouble with sleeping. When in a deep, deep sleep I would somehow bring myself to orgasm. I would wake up with my hips grinding with a really full on orgasm that I horrifiedly tried to suppress. I am not sure if it was from new drugs they tried or if it was the association of where I had met G but it was relentless. I was seriously aroused in my sleep. It had never happened before.

While there a registrar was suspended for acting inappropriately with some female patients. I was one of them. I was not sure why he asked to take my nightie off to check my heart etc as it had not been done before. Luckily I had undies on. He took a long time and had seemed quite sweaty. Luckily the charge sister saw him pull the curtains and asked me what had happened. She took my statement as she did the other women. The next day my old neighbour from Gorokan came to visit and I asked her if I could go back to Central with her as she was going to there to get her train. The charge sister said it would be a good idea and to keep in touch.

I had trouble sleeping after that and the local GP was a different one and decided he could help by giving me barbiturates to help me sleep and 10 mg Valium three times a day. Plus Percodan for pain. I became a zombie. Very depressed. Feeling useless and of no use to my family. A drain on them. And especially since feeling so well in the UK, I could not foresee a life like this. So I took the almost full bottle of Valium, then I rang the Professor and spoke to his wife. I felt complete peace, no feeling of fear of the unknown, just a release from the unrelenting pain. Then, as I was writing a note saying sorry to mum all I could think of was that she would find me in the morning and it would kill her.

So I went and rang the ambulance and they said there is not enough time. To go get my parents and get them to drive me fast to Gosford Hospital. I went and told mum and dad. Dad shouted at me, and Mum said come on Tom we are taking her to the hospital, now. He kept saying when are you going to wake up to yourself. It was pitch black by then and dad drove with mum in the back keeping me awake. She slapped my face. Begged me, pleaded with me to not go to sleep. I heard her wail to herself “when am I going to learn to keep my mouth shut.”

They got there very very fast. At emergency I was asked how many I had taken and I said 99. There were 100 in the bottle. They laughed grimly. They pumped my stomach and gave me medicine to make me vomit. Jeanie my friend from nursing was on duty and was very concerned. Because it was so unlike me. I was not allowed home until I saw a psychologist the next morning. She asked if anything triggered it. I said I had a fight with mum because she kept talking about me to the relatives. I realised later mum was worried but I hated being talked about by my relatives as if I was doing this on purpose. As if I chose this life. I told her I was going to reassess my medicines as I felt much better in the UK off most things. She said that sounded like a good idea and to call her if I needed her. We drove home, my brother was there and very quiet. I rang my aunt S as mum had called her from the hospital. Then I ripped up the letter I had written to mum into tiny pieces and curled up against my dog who was shivering in fear. I immediately stopped taking benzodiazepines, valium and cut back on percodan. I had bad shakes but was eventually able to sleep and started to feel much better over several weeks.

Dad asked to have a talk with me and told me he was selling the house and already building one in Maitland and did not want me to move to Maitland with them. He said mum and I were not good together. I already knew she was very snappy with me, negative about everything I wanted to do. She wanted me to stay at home forever. But I also knew she could not cope with all the challenges involved in completing the new house. So I decided to ignore him as I was going to leave anyway to go nannying once I got over all the medicines I had been on for so long.

Months later, as the new house was almost ready, my  aunt suddenly became ill and I said I was going to go to stay with my uncle and cousins to look after them and get ready for when my aunt came home. Mum refused to let me go. Went strangely silent when I asked her why. We had a dreadful row or rather I did. We were driving back from Gosford where we had been shopping. I felt mum was treating me like an invalid, as if I could not do anything. After we got home and mum went shopping the next day I packed a bag and my little dog and got a train to my uncle to help him.

An older friend of my aunts popped around to pick up something for her and was surprised to see me. I had cleaned the entire house and done all the food shopping by then. She was very uneasy and asked me how I was finding it there. I said my uncle kept talking about penises and putting them in women’s mouths and hands. Wore tiny bikini briefs and stood with his erection in his undies in front of my face in bed. Kept saying I was beautiful and sexy. She took me to her home and kept me there until my parents had moved and my mum came to get me two weeks later. Mum did not say anything except she was sorry and come home Kate. I did and when I got there my uncle was there picking up my aunt. He shouted you are a dyke at the top of his voice. Said horrible stuff. I said some stuff back. Mum started crying so I stopped and apologised to her. Went inside to my room. When I went to see if mum was alright she was running water in the laundry sink looking out the window at the field and the cows. Almost in a trance she asked me if my uncle had done anything to me. I said no but he made me really uncomfortable with his penis in my face all the time. Not wearing proper clothes in front of me. Talking about nothing but sex acts. She said “I am going to ask you once Kate. Are you telling me the truth?” I thought she had meant I was lying but she was asking me if he had raped me. I asked why, has this happened before? She got very upset and said she did not know what I meant. I gave her a hug and said I was sorry for the fight. Only the second one I had ever had with my mum.

Over the next weeks I sewed all the curtains for the entire four bedroom house and helped mum put them up. I turned around one day when we were hanging the formal lounge room’s cream silk shantung curtains, (triple pleat, I was so happy as had never made any like that before) and mum was up the small ladder crying uncontrollably. I managed to get her down and rocked her and eventually got her to lay down on the sofa while I put the rest of the curtains up. I then made us some coffee and she drank it. I did not think to ask her if something had happened to her, as it had to me, in her bed or in her back yard or behind a shed. It just did not occur to me. But I looked after her, we went shopping together, we chose all the lamps in the house together. Together we made it into a really comfortable home.

During the next few months my cousins took me out and about and I went down to Sydney to stay with Ann and Daphne and Des. I had interviews for nanny positions and I chose a job as a housekeeper nanny to ease my way back into the workforce.

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